$100,000 in new email revenue.
Without sending your customers discounts.
Your emails are handing discounts to people who already want your product. I rewrite all of it so your list buys at full price - and if you don't clear $100,000 in six months, you get up to a full refund.
Five minutes. No pitch until you've watched the whole thing.
Your list has seen every one of these. That's the problem.
Your email isn't broken. It's doing exactly what you designed it to do.
Open your flows right now and look at where each one ends.
You're paying people who already decided to buy.
Your welcome discount goes to someone who just handed you their email address. Your abandoned cart discount goes to someone with your product already in their cart. You're giving free money to people who weren't asking for it.
Every discount makes the next one more expensive.
Send enough discounts and your list learns to pay less: don't buy now, a discount is coming. Fewer people pay full price. So you discount harder to hit the same revenue. Which teaches them to wait longer.
You've already tried to fix this twice.
A freelancer who was good for six weeks and then went quiet. An agency at $6,000 a month that handed you a promo calendar and reports full of revenue you were pretty sure would've happened anyway.
Every one of them ran the same playbook. None of them changed what your email was for.
Every agency sells you a faster race to the bottom.
Thirty stories a month. Not three discounts.
They send three promos and call it a campaign calendar. I send something worth reading, most days, and people buy because they identify with the stories.
Every word written by hand.
The research is automated. The writing never is. No junior writers, no template used across forty other brands, nothing generated by a machine.
Numbers that can't be faked.
Agencies report "attributed revenue," counting people who were going to buy anyway. I report full-price sales and what each subscriber is actually worth.
And I never use a discount code to hit your number. Anyone can hit a revenue target by running a fire sale. That's not a skill, and it costs you more than you're paying them.
"Your list is worth less today than it was a year ago. Not because you lost subscribers. You gained subscribers. It's worth less because you spent the year telling your customers they don't have to pay you what you're worth."
Three steps. Ninety days to the first real numbers.
Rewrite every automation
The discounts get erased, compelling stories replace them. Welcome, abandoned cart, browse abandonment, post-purchase, win-back, back-in-stock, I rebuild all of them from scratch. This is the fastest route to new money in your account, because these emails already reach people who want your product.
Get your story out of you
One interview. Then I go through your reviews, the glowing ones and the brutal ones, your support tickets, and your customer replies. How you see yourself, and how your customers see you. This is why you discount. Not because it's a strategy, but because nobody ever clarified your story, so price is the only thing left to compete on.
Send daily
Yes, daily. Everyone says the same thing here: my list will hate me. They won't. People don't unsubscribe because you email too often. They unsubscribe because you're boring.
Go open your own account first.
Don't take my word for any of this. Pull up your flows and look at
the bottom of each one. There's a code sitting there, and it's
been running since whenever someone set this up for you.
That's not my claim. That's your setup.
$100,000 in new email revenue. Six months. Or your money back.
New means on top of what your email makes you today. Not total revenue. Not a number that counts what was already happening.
What you get
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Every automated email in your account rewritten from scratch
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A founder interview, plus review, support ticket, and reply mining
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Daily story-driven emails, written by hand, every single one
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Your list segmented so full-price buyers stop getting shown discounts
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Promotions planned deliberately, not dropped on a calendar
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Reporting on full-price conversion and revenue per subscriber. Not attributed revenue
What I need from you
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8,000+ email subscribers and $50+ average order value
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Emails approved within 24 hours
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Product images and assets within 48 hours
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No competing campaigns or discount promos without talking to me first
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The full six months. Retraining your list takes time, and I can't promise a result if I get pulled off it halfway
If I miss the target
6 Months To Your New List
Hi, I'm Eli.
I founded Simulacra Copy after working on almost every part of the e-commerce and tech marketing stack. I have worked with startups, e-commerce companies, done 100m+ views on Twitter, branding, content, product copy, page copy, email copy, you name it.
I became hyper-aware of how valuable email is as an owned channel after working inside my friend's e-commerce company and decided to focus on it exclusively.
Your list took four years to build.
Right now it's worth a little less every month you keep training it to wait. Same subscribers, but now you've built an emotional relationship with them, starting in six months.
Fill out a short questionnaire, then pick a time. On the call I'll go through your account and tell you exactly what I'd change, whether or not you hire me.